|
| words of wonder confounded by loss of appetite for such amenable desires. only the forbidden holds my interest. only the lost soul holds my attention. the wandering of the mind ad body are one with the universe of things not known. i wander. i watch for such things to pass by me. i wonder what will be next to lighten my sight and brighten my world. it is nothing now but dark roads of unknowing. an uncertainty that stretches on to forever. it is a thing not worth knowing. a darkness not worth pursuing. where lights fear to shine, or even gaze. the darkness holds its own sway there. but it is only a thing not known. it is only a thing not explored. it a lone thing, a lonely thing. the menagerie of life spread off into the distance and this thing still, breathless, lifeless. it stays where it is, unmoving, unmovable. yet the colors of the world swirl above and below, around each corner there are new things to discover. new worlds to explore. such times and places hold no limits but the imagination. and mine is exercised well.
the things that pass by, the passersby, they who hold the road straight. the ones who define where the road will go, for them. they are the ones that the most fun to watch. they are the ones whose minds are printed on their faces, their bodies, their sleeves. these are the ones whose destiny is to be mobile until they choose to pick a destiny.
destiny holds no truth for me anymore. it is a flighty thing not held by rules or reason. it is an elusive being, always close be being caught, but never alighting long enough for anyone to catch it.
at the same time it is the past. our destiny is shown to us as we look over our shoulders and wonder if we were meant to be pone thing or another. it is a thing that defined us without us knowing it. we are meant to be who we are. but are we really?
i resist the media of the modern world, in some ways, only for the sake that it is impermanent. to write today means to be forgotten tomorrow. what will be remembered the next day? will it be anything we have written today? or yesterday? or will the things of tomorrow only consist of what is written during that time? we are elusive ourselves. not willing to hold to one place or time. we desire what we do not have, and cannot have. but does that make us an different from any other people in any other place in any other time? no.
the lack of modern recorded being. the lack of personality. we exist in a world with no certainty. we are taught that nothing can be known. so we cannot be known. we cannot exist in a world where there are no truths. it is a world of lies, or falsities, or half-truths, or mirages, or illusions, or frailty and weakness. there are so few truths today. so few places to find an image that is worth remembering. so few idols that are worth praising. there are far to few ideals. far to few goals for the modern man.
we have money, but we cannot keep it. it becomes more elusive than anything else. we want excess, we are told not to work for it. we want wealth, but are told not to strive for it. we are told all these things. but are trapped by reality. that we cannot ever achieve them.
what works can be done today that have not already been done? we make copies, we make copies of copies, then we make copies of things that are not even copies anymore. we have taken mountains and made them into mole hills for our own ease and enjoyment. we scale these hills and say that we have achieved the same thing that the original mountain possessed. when the mountain rears its head above us then we tear it down and say that we are the mountain now.
when are there going to be pioneers that say that the mountain itself is what we most need.
| | |
| in the beginning. i don't know if anyone reads this anymore. if not then i guess its for the best. but i want to put a few things down somewhere and here seems like the best place.
i want to chronicle the past 12 months, but i know that that will only end badly. i could describe my own perspective, but i think i've talked to enough people about it that i don't need to. I do however want to write about the present and the future. (with minor commentary form the past, but very little)
I am currently waiting to hear back about a job interview. Next Friday I will hear whether they decide to hire me at one location, if not then i start trying to get into the other location. I might try to beforehand. But either way I am now in the process of getting gainful employ. Which is something that i have not done for a long time. Maybe more than the past 12 months. Shortly after I came back from South Korea I was convinced that I could get an equally paying job, that I was worth it, that I might even deserve it. This was not even brought to my attention until about a week ago by a good friend who has always had helpful insight, as far back as 8 years ago. So now I have realized that i had to struggle with the fact that I was not going to get as good a position as I had and that i now had to struggle once again to get a promising job. This would be the first time i truly fought for a position.
The other thing that I am now doing is putting away childish thoughts and expectations. Ever since I was 8 years old i have been struggling against growing up. Something happened in my life at that point that caused me to realize certain things years before many of my peers. Specifically the reality of death and loss. Ever since then i have had a struggle within myself to figure out how grown up I should be. When I should let go of some childhood dream or way of thinking and be the man I was becoming. It has always been a difficult path in that regard because I had no guidance in the matter and had very little idea that it was going on. I realize it now. About two weeks ago it was made perfectly clear to me that the last of my resistance to growing up had to stop, and I would have to become, fully and finally, the man I had been becoming. I had to lose something more dear to me than I care to admit, and I can say that I haven't felt this much pain since I was 8. But it has shown me that it is time to grasp that last bastion of manhood that I have been struggling with for so long.
Being responsible to me has always been seen as a part of adulthood that lost sight of the true meaning of fun and freedom. Making plans and dedicating yourself to grinding out the boring details had always been an evil subtly waiting by the edge of my thoughts and reasoning, waiting to take over and banish all my hopes, and dreams. I thought for the longest time that to admit to being an adult for real meant that i had to give up dreams, especially the wild ones that I loved to have. (Which I still have, but now i have to plan years into the future to realize them.)
But now I see that I have a new goal in mind. Having traveled around the world, seen more things than I ever thought possible, more than I thought I would see in my lifetime, I have come to a conclusion. It just wasn't that much fun doing it all alone. Oh yes I had friends, comrades, compatriots of sorts, coworkers, etc. But i never had someone back home that cared about what I was doing, how my day was, what my thoughts on life were. I spent most of my free time alone, lonely. I learned then that no matter what I do, whatever dreams I accomplish, whatever goals I meet or surpass, they will all be empty victories if I don't have someone to share them with.
I do believe that we weren't meant to live this life alone. In a real personal way. Our greatest pleasure is derived from being with someone else. This is no accident. Genetics even backs this up (but I won't get into why here). So I once again find myself trying to find a companion to go out and face the world with, not because I need one, I have rarely ever needed anyone else to survive. But because that is what makes life fun and interesting. That is what makes life so special.
I do not mean just friends, though they are extremely important, they help us when we need, they give us encouragement, share our hardships as they can, and celebrate with us when and how they can. What I mean is someone who will stare you right in the eye, and no more words are needed. Someone who can understand how you behave so when it changes for any reason they know to be worried or excited. This same person also wants to talk about the things that happen in your life, both of your lives. Even if it consists of not actually saying anything at all.
This is another dream i know. But it is one I have seen achieved, repeatedly. This is what I will now search for. Someone to share this with. And I have learned how to keep them when I find them.
Security. It is something that I have never worried about simply because I always knew I could do 'something' to make ends meet. I always have, and always will. But that is not what it means for other people. Emotional security is easy for me. To a point. I have practiced many ways of encouragement, distraction, showing love and kindness, and have nearly perfected a good hug. But that was never a problem. I now yearn to provide security in the other ways it is important. Money, I have always been disgusted by the necessity of it in our society. It is a shallow, hollow thing that provides nothing in and of itself. But the freedom and safety it can provide are not worthless. I wish I could have realized some of this (not mentally but realized in action) a long time ago. I always knew it was true, but never wanted to admit it. And now I see the folly of such thinking.
I think often nowadays of 'Moulin Rouge.' One of the end scenes in which Christian throws the moeny at Satine and says, "You have cured me of my ridiculous obsession with love!" It is something that I actually feel. Like an ache in my soul. It has grasped a part of my heart, of may way of thinking, that was once completely in love with love. I thought it could cure all things. Like Christian I thought it was 'like oxygen.' And now I cannot hlpe but think it is another thing like moeny. What it is is nothing, but what it can provide by its nature is valuable.
I do not care to hear how sad, pathetic, depressing, or completely wrong or self-interested this post may be. I do not write for you, I write for me.
| | |
| i think i've started a few posts that way. anyways, we are here in ann arbor. moved into a nice place, still looking for a job that will work with a class schedule. not a lot of fun right now. very busy looking, waiting, following up. stuff like that. and trying to figure out how to pay for school. that will be fun.
anyways, i miss all my friends a little bit already. i can't wait to have someone to chill with and have a beer.
...not that amanda isn't good enough...but you know.
anyways again. i think its time i got off my ass and di some work around here.
| | |
| I GOT ACCEPTED TO UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN!!!
i'm a little excited
| | |
|
